Video Summary
Aella argues market scarcity, stigma and selection bias shape pay in the adult industry; her data shows high-end male escorts can charge similarly to average female escorts.
She moved from camming to escorting for money and says escort sex feels psychologically like work, separating it from unpaid encounters.
Aella identifies as mostly monogamous in life despite public polyamory perception; content work with others is a separate, transactional context.
Her hygiene routine is pragmatic: she showers before work/public appearances but often skips at home and limits soap use.
Her upbringing—homeschooling in a religious environment—shaped views on education, gender roles, and parenting choices she now questions or rejects.
She attributes it to market valuation, scarcity and stigma: demand, biological factors and social perceptions shape prices, though her scraped escort-data found high-end male escorts can charge rates comparable to average female escorts, suggesting selection bias and market complexity.
Financial reasons and burnout from camming; escorting offered higher pay and different psychological dynamics, which she treats as work distinct from unpaid sex.
Publicly perceived as polyamorous, she says their real-life dynamic is largely monogamous; she finds content-based sexual encounters acceptable but is uncomfortable with partners forming personal, competing relationships.
She showers before public appearances or work but may skip showers at home, uses minimal soap (claims soap can increase odor), and favors pragmatic routines over neurotic grooming rituals.
She is writing a series on how to be better at sex based on years of client data; early readers report improved partner feedback after applying her techniques.
“It’s not about how hard the job is, unfortunately; it’s about how hard the dick is and the scarcity.”
The discussion highlights a significant disparity in pay within the adult industry, where male performers seem to earn less than their female counterparts despite having a more challenging job. The analysis suggests that societal valuation plays a crucial role, with male labor not being as highly valued as female labor in the sex industry.
There's an acknowledgment of the societal stigma attached to male sex workers. Many men in the industry appear to hide their involvement, as being a male escort is not generally viewed as a prestigious role.
The situation is contrasted with the respect and admiration that some male performers in hip-hop and the porn industry receive, although it's also recognized that these professions can be taboo within certain communities.
“I was shocked to find that male escorts don't charge that much less than female ones.”
The host mentions a study where data was scraped from escort listings, showing that high-end male escorts charge comparable rates to average female escorts. This data suggests that while there is a general perception of lower earnings for male escorts, the reality may differ due to selection biases or market dynamics.
The conversation points out the overall scarcity of attractive women willing to engage in sex work, implying that this affects the demand and pricing of male escorts in the market.
“People can't handle the concept that you could be okay with someone that you love having sex with somebody else.”
The dialogue reflects on how the societal perception of relationships, especially open ones, differs greatly from attitudes towards sexual orientation. The host expresses that while society has become more accepting of gay relationships, it struggles to comprehend the dynamics of open relationships where one partner may engage with others.
The conversation highlights how conservative circles often react strongly against open relationships, using terms like "cuck" to express disdain, while showing a conflicting level of acceptance when it comes to same-sex relationships.
"The capacity for violence would be a huge thing there... whereas hip-hop is this crazy honor culture."
Aella discusses the differences between the BMX and hip-hop cultures. She notes that while BMX does not heavily revolve around violence, hip-hop has a strong honor culture where individuals can gain respect, even if they have violent histories.
She reflects on her unfamiliarity with both cultures, expressing that she has barely listened to rap and has a limited understanding of BMX, which she describes as being associated with bikes.
"I think I could beat up a lot of people, but I'm just not going to meet up with you in a parking lot and fight."
Aella explains her stance on fighting and confrontations, insisting that she has been challenged to duels by individuals in the hip-hop scene but has always declined.
She believes accepting one challenge could lead to an endless cycle of having to prove oneself, which she considers a poor approach to personal conflicts.
"Yes, it actually... allows self-direction and a lot of freedom, which I think was great for developing a lifelong appreciation of learning."
Aella shares her experience being homeschooled in a very religious and controlled environment. Despite the restrictions, she appreciates the freedom and self-direction that homeschooling provided, enabling her to cultivate a love for learning.
She contrasts this with traditional schooling, stating that the time spent in a classroom was unproductive compared to the self-directed learning she pursued at home.
"We had a bunch of other homeschooled friends, so I was getting socialized like pretty decently."
Aella emphasizes that despite being homeschooled, she maintained social connections with other homeschooled children through organized gatherings and classes led by parents.
She acknowledges the importance of social interaction, arguing that peers can significantly impact a child's development and relationships.
"You want to get your kid into the best private school so that they can get the best education and go to the best college and get the best jobs."
Aella discusses the pressure parents feel to secure their children a place in prestigious private schools, as it is seen as crucial for achieving a successful future.
She underscores the desire for educational environments free from negative influences, like peers engaging in substance abuse, emphasizing the importance of a responsible upbringing.
This focus reflects a broader societal belief that education directly impacts career opportunities and overall success in life.
"I went for one year at Community College and I went to UMass for one year and I dropped out because I was making money doing credit card games."
Aella shares her personal journey through education, revealing that she briefly attended two colleges before dropping out due to lucrative opportunities she found outside of academia.
She expresses a desire for her future children to have the possibility of attending college if they choose, despite her own non-traditional path.
"If my kid goes to college and becomes like a Palestinian rebel, then I'm not going to be too stoked."
Aella voices concerns about the cultural and ideological influences present in modern college environments, specifically fearing radicalization or extreme viewpoints.
This skepticism highlights a growing concern among parents regarding the impact of college experiences on their children's values and beliefs.
"I used to read anarchist pamphlets and thought it was cool to be homeless and shoplift."
Reflecting on her younger years, Aella admits to being influenced by countercultural and activist ideologies, though she did not act on them.
This reveals the complexities of youth exploration and how formative beliefs can evolve, especially when exposed to different perspectives.
"We’re almost like the face of polyamorous relationships."
Aella discusses her public persona in the context of polyamory, suggesting that their portrayal is often misunderstood; she clarifies that their relationship dynamic is primarily monogamous except when creating content.
This distinction is important as it highlights misconceptions surrounding polyamorous relationships and the societal expectations within them.
"In terms of it just being like a real-life thing, the idea of me picking and choosing to spend time with another girl instead of her is the thing that would be very weird for us to get past."
Aella explains that while she participates in sexual activities with other women for content creation, the idea of forming personal connections outside of her primary relationship is uncomfortable.
She emphasizes the need for security and trust in relationships, noting that competition for a partner’s affection can complicate feelings of stability.
"To her, knowing that our situation is going to be alright a year from now, three years from now, five years from now is a very big deal."
She discusses the emotional intricacies involved in transitioning relationships, particularly how partners perceive security and trust over time.
Moreover, Aella touches on the importance of clear communication and mental adjustment in relationships with multiple partners, highlighting the need for honesty in navigating feelings of jealousy and competition.
"They wanted you to go to college and also work a job… if you're going to go to college, the purpose is to find a husband."
Aella discusses her experience with higher education, noting that her family's financial situation prevented her from qualifying for financial aid, as her parents earned just enough to disallow support. This left her without the means to attend college.
She explains that her parents had a Calvinist attitude, emphasizing self-reliance and the belief that one should pull themselves up by their bootstraps once they reach adulthood.
Aella reveals that her parents believed the main purpose of attending college was to secure a husband and prepare for a life centered around marriage and homemaking rather than seeking personal educational growth.
"From day one, my parents taught me that your job in life is to find a man and to be his backbone."
Aella reflects on how gender roles were instilled in her from a young age, with narratives suggesting that a girl's worth lies in finding a partner rather than developing her own identity or skills.
She criticizes traditional Disney stories and upbringing philosophies that promote a notion of worth based solely around marriage, contrasting these with her desire to raise a self-sufficient daughter.
This upbringing, combined with a limited exposure to modern, empowering narratives for women, led her to feel dissatisfied and question these traditional viewpoints.
"I don't have resentment for parents doing what they think is best... but there were other parts my parents did that were extremely controlling."
Aella expresses mixed feelings towards her upbringing, recognizing her parents' intentions to care for her while also noting moments of misguided control that shaped her perspective on authority and discipline.
She describes a strict upbringing influenced by a rigid system that advocated physical discipline, suggesting a traumatic approach to parenting that aimed to assert control and compliance through fear.
Aella emphasizes her belief that such methods are damaging and reflects on her own values as she considers future parenting, voicing a clear aversion to physical punishment as a viable form of discipline.
"I worked at a factory... assembling electrical relays for a year."
Following her decision to drop out of college, Aella took a factory job that she describes as unfulfilling and physically draining, starting before dawn and ending at sunset. This experience led her to question her life choices and the fulfillment of her current situation.
She reflects on the stark contrast between her dissatisfaction and the contentment expressed by her coworkers, who seemed to accept their roles without considering alternatives.
Aella’s experience highlights the challenges of navigating a path in life when one has been raised in an isolated environment with limited exposure to broader career opportunities or cultural norms.
"How are you going to meet a dude when you're just living this normal existence?"
Aella describes her upbringing, where she was not introduced to ambition but rather expected to take on a traditional housewife role. This expectation leaves her pondering how one is supposed to find a partner in such a limited existence.
She reflects on how her educational experiences were also shallow, suggesting that one may only find a partner through simple college interactions rather than through a developed sense of self or ambition.
"I wasn't Christian anymore... right before I turned 19."
Aella discusses her transition away from Christianity, which occurred just before she turned 19. Her parents' reaction was negative, revealing their deep concerns stemming from their beliefs about her spiritual wellbeing.
This situation resonates with her as she considers how the differences in faith might impact her daughter, especially since her daughter is growing up in a household that diverges from traditional religious practices.
"I just don't want her to be involved or arguing with her cousins about religion."
Aella expresses her desire to protect her child from the conflicts that may arise due to differing religious beliefs within the family. She anticipates that as her child grows, the differences in their perspectives may lead to confusion or tension.
Aella acknowledges the complexity of navigating such discussions with children, emphasizing the importance of introducing sensitive topics at an age-appropriate pace.
"You got to give them a base to start from."
Aella emphasizes the need to provide her daughter with a foundational understanding of belief systems without imposing negative views on others’ faiths.
This foundation should instill curiosity in her child while also allowing room for differing opinions. Aella recognizes the challenges of addressing potentially harmful beliefs, like Holocaust denial, and advocates for thoughtful discussions rather than shame-based responses.
"I think there's some where it's like a lot of the folks I hang around these days, it's like, oh you know, I grew up and then my parents paid for my Ivy League education and now I'm a doctor."
Aella reflects on her background, contrasting it with the expectations of those from upper-class families. She describes feeling alienated when discussing educational achievements that are common among her peers, highlighting differences in life experiences that don’t align with traditional upper-class standards.
The discussion emphasizes Aella's recognition of her "low-class" status and unique life path, noting that many of her contemporaries come from privileged backgrounds that shape their perspectives and opportunities.
"Honestly, I shower every time I come to do the podcast or every time I go to do porn. It's a very important part of my morning ritual."
Aella discusses her showering habits, explaining that she showers primarily before engaging in public appearances or work-related activities. However, she admits that on days when she stays home, she may not feel the need to shower, which is seen as surprising to others.
This conversation reveals her nonchalant attitude towards cleanliness and societal expectations around showering, noting that personal hygiene rituals can vary significantly among individuals.
"I stopped using soap on my body except for my butthole. My theory is when I use soap, it makes me smell worse afterwards."
In an unconventional approach to hygiene, Aella shares her belief that using soap actually exacerbates body odor, leading her to limit its use. Instead, she prefers a wet washcloth to maintain cleanliness, particularly focusing on areas that are prone to odor.
This perspective challenges traditional norms regarding cleanliness and reflects her comfort with a non-mainstream approach to personal care, which can create intriguing discussions around societal standards of hygiene.
"I'm sad that we're sort of missing out on this culturally; I can think of two porn stars I've had sex with and one girl back in the day in Brooklyn who was just such a hipster weirdo that she didn't shower."
Aella shares that she doesn't put much thought into her personal hygiene products, often using whatever is available, like a deodorant received from Jake Paul's brand. She describes it as dry and chalky, comparing it unfavorably to Old Spice.
She observes that some successful individuals in the porn industry refrain from using deodorant and that they aren't particularly unpleasant in smell. Aella highlights a cultural difference in attitudes toward hygiene, noting that within some social circles, particularly her own, showering isn't viewed with the same level of importance.
Aella expresses a belief that there could be a shift in societal norms regarding showering and personal hygiene, suggesting that in the future, less emphasis may be placed on daily washing, although she recognizes that corporations profit from promoting constant hygiene.
"I know fully grown men with facial care routines. Zesty facial care, okay, zest is not spicy; zest is homosexual adjacent."
Aella discusses the concept of neuroticism and how it affects personal hygiene and self-care habits. She describes her own low level of neuroticism, implying that she is less affected by societal expectations regarding cleanliness.
She mentions the "OCEAN" personality test, which evaluates traits like neuroticism, suggesting that her indifference to how others perceive her contributes to her relaxed approach to hygiene.
Aella theorizes that individuals who are promiscuous might exhibit bimodal traits in neuroticism—either highly neurotic or completely unconcerned—which can influence their engagement in sexual activities and personal care practices.
"There's two different personas that a female porn star can take on; I have a theory that a female brain typically has about two brains: one is the horny brain and the other is the lady brain."
She elaborates on the different perspectives female sex workers adopt regarding their sexual encounters. One persona is more casual and approachable, while the other focuses on exclusivity and high value partners.
Aella discusses her own unique mindset regarding sex, suggesting that she has a strong "lady brain" that influences her choice of partners, making her picky about whom she has casual sex with.
She explains her involvement in organized sexual environments, such as consensual orgies, where clear parameters allow her to feel comfortable engaging in sexual activity without losing control to her own inhibitions.
"I can always find something to be attracted to, whether it's the smoothness of the skin or she has pretty eyes."
Aella reflects on how she maintains attraction even when faced with less desirable clients, indicating that she can find redeeming qualities in almost anyone.
She contrasts this with the male experience, noting that men often struggle to become aroused when not attracted to their partners, hinting at the biological differences in sexual stimulation between genders.
Aella acknowledges the use of medical interventions, such as injections, that some clients employ to facilitate arousal, representing a contrast in how different genders deal with attraction in their line of work.
"Dude who can't get hard without it… if you take a lot, you're going to basically burn out your own ability to get hard on your own."
The discussion opens with the influence of performance enhancers like Viagra on male porn stars, emphasizing how such substances can make their jobs easier but may lead to a dependence on them.
The participants share personal experiences with Viagra, describing one instance where it significantly heightened sexual performance for an extended period.
Although one speaker remarks about their solitary experience with a different brand of the drug, they express surprise at its effectiveness during a working day filled with multiple scenes and an interview that followed.
"Yeah, okay, where were we? I shouldn't… I got high before this interview too."
One speaker acknowledges using cannabis before the interview, humorously questioning its impact on his thinking and humor.
This moment of introspection emphasizes the casual nature of the conversation, with participants discussing the lighter aspects of their lives amid more serious topics.
The influence of marijuana is reflected in the speaker's statement about finding things funnier than usual, indicating a relaxed or altered state of mind during the interview.
"I subscribe, and there's this game called Connections… you have to sort them together."
The conversation shifts to a game called "Connections," where participants engage in categorizing words into different groups.
This game serves as a metaphor for making connections and thinking abstractly, showcasing the speaker's critical thinking skills while they navigate through the task of guessing categories.
The playful interaction highlights their willingness to share experiences from daily activities and their enthusiasm for games and puzzles, adding a lighter tone to the discussion.
"I just don't want to play golf because… I'm probably not even going to be sub-sufficient at golf."
Participants reflect on their interests and how they perceive hobbies such as golf and poker in relation to their lifestyles.
One expresses resistance to golf as an acceptable pastime, viewing it as a sign of 'giving up' rather than a productive activity, which aligns with their competitive nature in poker.
This dialogue depicts the dynamic between personal identity and societal expectations, captivating the audience with insights into how they view themselves compared to prevailing norms.
"Online poker was still legal in America, and people were newly learning about the World Series of Poker and all these cool things."
The landscape of poker has changed significantly since the early 2000s when it was viewed as a rebellious and exciting form of gambling. In the past, players could openly engage in online poker, which added to its allure and the creation of poker heroes.
However, in 2009, online poker was outlawed in America, forcing players to either use VPNs to access European sites or play on unregulated platforms. This change has complicated the poker experience for many American players.
The introduction of solvers—tools that help players identify the technically correct moves—has also transformed poker from a game of creativity to one requiring deep understanding and technical knowledge, making it less rebellious and more about mastering the science of the game.
"I think I'm often confused about rules for conversation, like unspoken social norms that people sort of haven't made explicit."
The dynamic of interviewing involves navigating unspoken social rules, particularly about interrupting and discussing personal experiences. This can create a challenge for interviewers when they want to keep the conversation engaging without dominating it with personal anecdotes.
Many podcasters prepare extensively, leading to discomfort when conversations stray from the script. In contrast, the speaker prefers a more casual and meandering style, believing it leads to more interesting discussions.
The realization that experiences and conversational skills improve with life experience underscores the complexity of engaging in meaningful dialogues, especially for younger hosts who might lack this depth.
"I turned to escorting because I needed more money and I didn't want to cam anymore."
The speaker's transition from cam work to escorting was financially motivated after feeling burnt out from camming for several years. Despite the stigma surrounding escorting within the adult industry, many cam models covertly engage in escorting, illustrating a hierarchy within the field.
This stigma is often reflected in how girls talk about those who choose to escort, with underlying judgments about their choices. The perception is that successful cam and studio performers wouldn’t need to escort, but some do enjoy it or find it lucrative.
The speaker mentions functioning as the highest-priced publicly listed escort, commanding $4,000 an hour, and acknowledges the psychological differences that come with transactional relationships compared to traditional interactions.
"It's interesting how psychologically different clients are from normal sex."
The speaker finds humor and intrigue in the differences between casual sex and sex with clients, revealing a complex psychological aspect to escorting that differs from personal relationships.
They discuss societal perceptions of sex work and the fascinating blend of morality and financial necessity that influences individuals' choices within the adult industry.
This reveals a broader commentary on the societal pressures and views around short-term, transactional relationships versus emotional connections.
"It feels to me psychologically that my body count is only unpaid sex. Sex with clients feels like it's work; it just doesn't hit the same part of my brain at all."
Aella discusses the concept of body count, explaining that her perception of it is influenced by her experiences as an escort. She feels that sex with clients feels different and less significant when compared to unpaid encounters.
She reflects on the tension surrounding societal opinions on body count, mentioning that when she expresses her feelings, she often receives backlash online. Aella articulates that her experiences in the adult industry create a distinction in her mind between different types of sexual encounters.
Aella considers her sexual history prior to her career in porn and admits that it shapes her understanding of attractiveness and sexual value. She contrasts her past experiences with those in the industry, implying a shift in her dating standards.
"Once you have a sufficient amount of clout and once you've had a sufficient number of people treating you like you're something special, anyone who gets slotted into the fan category can't affect your emotional state."
The conversation shifts to how clout affects personal relationships. Aella shares that as someone gaining influence, she feels less emotionally impacted by women, as they often fall into a fan category rather than a genuine romantic interest.
She highlights a struggle with dating someone without a public persona, feeling that such dynamics create imbalances in relationships. Aella expresses a desire for equality in partnerships, but notes the challenges of connecting with individuals who do not understand her life in the public eye.
The discussion touches on the stigma surrounding casual sexual relationships in hip-hop, particularly when a male figure in the industry continues dating someone with a history of sexual encounters with other famous men. Aella critiques the judgment that tends to follow these associations and emphasizes the complexity of personal choices and public perception.
"In porn, it is still kind of like that. What do they think of you in hip-hop? They just think I'm weird; they accept me, but I'm on the fringes."
Aella reflects on her identity as a woman straddling both the porn and hip-hop industries, noting that she faces polarized opinions from her peers in hip-hop.
She discusses how her relationships with other prominent figures have opened new understandings in cultural norms but acknowledges that being in a relationship with someone well-known is still met with scrutiny.
Aella feels a responsibility to challenge societal norms and expectations, understanding that her actions and public persona might contribute to a broader conversation about acceptance within these overlapping cultures.
"You have to make your decisions based not just on what you think is right, but also on the cultural mores in which you exist."
Aella discusses the dichotomy between personal beliefs and societal expectations, emphasizing that artists often face pressure to conform to cultural standards rather than pursue their vision.
She reflects on historical perceptions of corporate sponsorship in art, noting that artists were once condemned for 'selling out'. This perception has shifted over time, suggesting that modern artists may take corporate sponsorship without facing the same backlash.
The core question Aella raises is whether one desires to be "beloved within your era" or to be remembered favorably in the long term, which many individuals may not consider due to the fast-changing cultural landscape.
"There’s no polyamory ever presented in movies, which is kind of interesting."
Aella remarks on the representation of different relationship styles, noting the lack of polyamorous depictions in media.
She parallels this with the historical portrayal of LGBTQ+ characters, highlighting the difficulty for heterosexual audiences to engage with these narratives due to their unfamiliarity.
This observation underscores a broader societal struggle with accepting and normalizing diverse identities, with Aella citing personal experiences and shifts in her worldview prompted by cultural media.
"If you want to actually change people's minds, you have to give them forgiveness and approval once they do."
Aella delves into the cultural polarization surrounding acceptance of trans individuals, suggesting that many people feel anchored to their beliefs due to political identities.
She emphasizes the need for a more compassionate approach in conversations about acceptance, advocating for patience and understanding instead of aggression toward those with differing views.
Aella points out that creating an environment where individuals feel safe to reconsider their positions is vital for any real change to occur in societal attitudes.
"The conspiracy theories are so alluring to people; there's a lot of power to be had in being the person who presents this information to your audience."
Aella explains why certain groups cling to conspiracy theories, noting that these narratives can provide individuals with a sense of control and influence within their social circles.
She recognizes the bubble individuals can become ensnared in, where contrary opinions may seem shocking or invalidating.
This phenomenon is reflective of broader cultural trends, indicating the complexities of information sharing and belief formation in the current social climate.
"I really need you to prove this to me if I'm going to believe that you know Trump set himself up to be shot to Garner support to win the election."
Aella expresses skepticism towards various conspiracies, emphasizing that she requires substantial evidence before accepting any claims.
She mentions that her resistance to conspiracies is so strong that by the time she might consider one true, it would need to be widely recognized as common knowledge.
She discusses an example involving a speculation that Trump staged his own shooting, highlighting her disinterest in believing such theories without credible proof.
"If you're not willing to bet on your opinion, then you don't really hold an opinion."
Aella shares her views on prediction markets, where people place bets on various outcomes, including personal predictions about relationships and public figures.
She highlights the nature of these markets, mentioning that even attempts to manipulate discussions within them often backfire, as observers quickly catch on to patterns.
Aella refers to her interactions with a person named Wack 100, who insists on betting as a measure of conviction, but she critiques his manipulative methods while recognizing that "money will tell the truth" in assessing outcomes.
“Based on all this, I’m writing a series on how to be good at sex. So far, it’s gotten great reviews, and about a third of people who read it report noticeably increased reviews from their sex partners.”
Aella shares her ongoing project focused on enhancing sexual performance, which involves tracking extensive data collected from her clients over the years.
She describes the essence of her work as an exploration into advanced sex techniques, using the metaphor of helping individuals to “hook a girl on your penis.”
This series is reportedly yielding positive feedback, with many participants experiencing improved relationships as a result of applying her insights.
